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this lj is dead for good.
just keeping older entries for reminder purposes.

find me on tumblr (very active):

oh hai.
talking about me me me me me and myself. but HEY this is a livejournal, kind of a diary...man, thats the point.

seems like i'm just living for the weekend (hard-fi quote!), though i totally dont have any clue what to do or where to go but one thing is CERTAIN: i'll go and party my brains (what brains?!) out. mwahahaha.
first i thought of maybe looking whats this famous radioeinsschöneparty-thingie is like but since the tickets are kinda expensive (10!) i somehow changed my mind.

i "somehow changed my mind" anyway. why going out?! spend lots of money on drinks? having a shit nite with ugly blokes?! why!!!!? there's nowhere i wanted to go, not even when drunk. i'd hate it anyway and if i know this beforehand why should i do it? i could use the money for plenty of other things. if only bad lieutenant played here. or the manics or just someone i dont hate.

morrisseylicious then? hm. afraid of the after-party-depression. ok, couldnt get worse than it is today but....nyah. its just that hanging 'round home does me no good either. nothing does at the moment and i wonder....what to do. nyah.

apart from that i think i'll be ill in a few days, feels a bit like it: headache, halsschmerzen, volle nase and all that. nase voll, anyway.
selfpity is so fun.

there's nothing to do. but. how about a daytrip to....-insert city- for example!? and then? erm. dunno?! parteh? erm. ...no.

nyah nyah nyah.

"there's only one solution."
"okay, two."
thats somehow awfully funny. ^^

woah, enough! i'll go and get me some mulled wine. can.t stand my moping anymore.
lighten up, emotussi:

nick-e why-r!

hello, hello (hello!)

first of all: i would have been to the ian brown concert if i hadnt fallen asleep during listening to die drei fragezeichen after that stupid family brunch we had at noon. might have been sold out anyway. or whatever. instead i justen listened to his latest album i got for birthday the very same day. its great, ian is a neat guy.
what the fuck fuck FUCK?!

"shit day - shit year - shit you"

oh shits.
sweet baby jesus, i'm wearing the tightest pants ever. if i were a fckn guy (which i aren't and which i'm lucky for not to be coz otherwise I'd be a cheating slut)i could forget all the future children i might have/had. these jeans are so tight i get paranoia while going out: "OH NOZ THOZE PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME COZ MY LEGS R FATTTTTT!!!!!!!1!" . they really are but i`m hoping to widen (?) them trousers by wearing them all the time. maybe at night. is that disgusting? surely.
another reason for losing weight.

yesterday my i-buy-things-coz-i-feel-shit*habit occurred.
i bought:
1. "U2- 18 videos"
three words: great, awesome, shexi.
2. yello - essential yello
kind of a best of.
i luvz mediamarkt so much.

and now I'll kinda rob newyorker.

quite so!

u2,wide awake in america, track 4

fuk off!!!
i'm starving to death but my legs just won't get thinner. its horrible, its a shame, all my efforts are useless. maybe i'm just the kind of person who's got FAT legs. uhuhu.
anyway. hate it.
hate christmas, hate nu-yrs-eve. hate everything.
'd like to puke all over the place. in fact i do and its fun.

i'll be 20 in a month. gosh. i've made nothing out of my life. according to what happened to ian curtis i have one year left. sometimes i really feel like him. and then i feel like rje. isnt that strange, i mean i've started listening to the manics something like a year ago and before that i didnt even know that someone like rje existed. i just couldnt imagine that someone could feel this bad and i thought i was so special and the most pityful humanbeing of the entire world ("nicht nur der welt!!!!"). but then him:

gheyboy. not dead. alive. somewhere. and happy. thats what i hope.

been to the dahlem-christmas-fair last weekend and it was SO strange, man. i kind of realized again that men are bastards. dont think i'm posh or arrogant or something but it was like this:
they kept staring at me. and i can assure you and myself that i didnt have toothpaste on my face. and i didnt look shit in another way. they just stared and next to them were their fukkain girlfriends or wifes. i mean: WHAT THE FUCK??? what did they think they were doing?! gosh!
it really gave me the creeps. really really really. cheating assholes.
maybe i'm a bit too sensitive. yeah maybe, coz i even felt guilty when i smiled at that guy in the tube. but he was... awesome. a bit nickywire. he was reading "carmen" by bizet (which i, to be honest, never liked THAT much. somehow the music's just shites). yeah, i noticed him looking first and i thought "woah". and then he kept pretending to read this fukkain opera. then he looked up and i couldnt prevent myself from smiling. first he was a bit...confused. but then....oh wow.
its no use in smiling at random people. its not nice. its horrible.

i hate myself being so INSTINCTIVE.
oh btw.
its disco crotch time.
the year went by in an awful speed.
we'll see if jeph's going to be on that nerd-party-thingie. but i dont really believe it coz why would someone travel the half world just for the stupid ccc? kay, he did last year. but why would he do it again. and why am i actually thinking of him? maybe coz he was one of the few guys i was able to really talk to. course there are some more reasons ^^ but i think he understood me. just have another conversation.
i dont know.

such a low-life. me.
and thats just coz this stupid bugger ruined it.
last week or something i was lying awake for the whole night and my head was full of accusations and i know that they're right. i got furious coz this guy doesnt even know hat he's done to me. i think noone knows coz i cant talk about it. and now i dont know how i'll ever be able to get over this fukkain trauma. i mean i got over HIM but this horrible feeling just wont go away. its like in this bad lieutenant song "twist of fate", god that made me cry.

"I must be losing my mind
I'm gripped by feelings
That I don't understand
It's not a part of my plan

My hopes that once were so high
Were crushed and broken
In the blink of an eye
By the roadside

And I just can't let it go
This fever won't let me
Hang up to my pride
It will never subside

So if you see her again
Tell her that I can't wait
Undercover in the shelter
Of a strange twist of fate
And I know what i'm doing
Is incredibly wrong
That the music has ended
But the beat just goes on and on

Don't want to sound like I'm weak
Are about to begin
It's got my head in a spin

And everyone that I meet
Complains that I don't
Act the same anymore
That I was better before

So if you see her again
Tell her that I can't wait
Undercover in the shelter
Of a strange twist of fate
And I know what I'm doing
Is incredibly wrong
That the music has ended
But the beat just goes on and on "

woah. the whole album is awesome. its newordery. its great. bernard sumner is flawless. i'd marry him.

ga-ga oh la la la.

enough blathering for today and ever i think.

at last the everlasting nickeh:

LOL. suppose the dog's dead.

oh hai!

today's my mothers birthday and we're celebrating it by being lazybones, drinking hot wine with spice (glühwein, mothers! glow-wine, glue-wine lol), stuffing ourselves with pretzels and other fatinflicting stuff. quite nice. now she`s reading the papers and i`m hanging round in front of the fooking pc coz we're both too tired to talk or maybe have a walk with the doggie ...
there's snow outside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i mean: can u believe it?!!! no.

another thing i cant beleive is that i didnt win the fooking mozzer ticket but i guess its destiny. btw: neither did pete-eh....harharhar.

i dont know what to write. i`m thinking a lot but nothing comes out. maybe i`m too heppi. fact is that i'm very creative when i'm down and BLANK when i'm feeling grand. btw. i shouldnt.

maybe i should have made this entry yesterday for yesterday i was a real mess. yknow, i came home from buying dogfood and a birthday present and SUDDENLY OUT OF A SUDDEN i broke ("broked") into tears for what seems like three hours. and i dont even know why! just sat there, sniffling and weeping and everything was a disaster. (in fact nothing was).
and then it stopped and i went to bed and now, today, everythings fine though the weather is shites. now thats what i call strange behaviour.

nickeh spam:

lol, ugly old man. ...
as if is hair wasnt worst, now what happend to his face?! ....argh, anyway.he's luvly.



mop and bucket pleaz?!
kotzen als politikum.

shit, shit, shiiiiiiiiiiit.

whats that coming over the hill?! is it a MORRISSEY?!
he.s coming. again.
i dont have 50 euro.
i knew it. I KNEWED it!

and whats wrong with roger odonnell releasing 2304398439849tons of records a year?! doesnt he have hobbies or friends? i mean: "oh yeah i.m burning the cd`s myself so all the crezi german fangirls go absltly bonkers about me having touched them. harrharr. they'll buy it, even if the muzak is shit ...theyre fans!!!!"

gah! crap you, roger. no money from me for you!
i hate jazz anyway!
i dont want your album!
really! i swearz i dont need it at all!


because i.m happy as larry in some case and in the other i still think my lyf sux ass.